I’m not gone. Not really. I just don’t have the energy right now to read or write anything in here.

Some weeks ago I started to get terrible pains in my stomach. And after 3 different possible diagnosis and an extremely painful and because of that pain aborted coloscopy it’s still not clear what’s wrong. They’re already talking about exploratory surgery.

Frankly, I’m .. whatever. Cut me open. As long as the pain’s gone I don’t care (says she who’s never been to a hospital in her entire life except for visiting other patients!). I thought I’d panic. But I don’t. I just want to get it over with, and I want to know what’s wrong and how to fix it.

Gone now again until .... don’t know.

Lael

OK, here's another one.

The picture I got somewhere online - I can't remember where. It's not mine. For the title of this work Paul himself is to blame. He said jokingly in an interwiew "I'm the King of Alberta now!".

( the king of alberta )

Hope you enjoy!

I’m obviously too stupid to install Mozilla Thunderbird correctly, because whatever I do, I can’t get a connection to my e-mail account. So I have to continue to enter my account via webmail for now. The strange thing is, when I try to fill in all the necessary information for installing the account, there’s one essential thing missing, the question for my password. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Maybe the connection is blocked, because my e-mail account is from another provider than my new internet provider. Giving up for now.

Here are two of my wallpapers. Nothing fancy or inventive - just to bring some color to the screen.


The first one is my favorite picture of Paul with Martha (size 1024x768).


( Paul and Martha )


The second one is about the "Road to Passchendaele" documentary (size for some reason 1024x640, although I uploaded it in 1680x1050)


( Road to Passchendaele )



I did some more. The problem with some of the pictures is that I can't remember where I found them. So I can't give credit. For the two above I only used my own screenies.

I think it’s time for some background noise. It’s way too hot and way too bright. In the distance I hear thunder, but it’s not heading my way.

It’s not that easy to find CD’s with nothing but natural noises. Usually there’s some esoteric music in the background, which you can’t get rid of. I like the sound of animals, the wind, the rain, ... – without anything else.

Some time ago I found a software which allows you to create your own natural soundtrack. You can put it on your mp3-player or on a CD, or you can run it in the background, while you’re working on your PC. And you can listen to it any time you want. I use it to relax from time to time. You can chose from various noises (wind, rain, rivers, oceans, campfire) and animal noises (frogs, birds, etc.) and put it all together and record it. The software is called “atmosphere-lite” (it’s for free, there are also 2 different full versions, which would cost you), and you can find it at http://atmosphere-lite.softonic.de. The software is in English.

Hope, you enjoy that little programme as much as I do, and that it helps you to relax in times of trouble too.

From time to time I check amazon.ca for new things on Paul. Today I found “Married to it”. The strange thing is, he’s not even mentioned in the cast list, and he’s not on the cover. I know he had a part in that, but was it that small? And is it worth ordering it? Is it any good?

I’m rather frustrated, because the two things I really like to have so badly I can’t find anywhere. I’ve searched the whole net for months for “Life and Times” and “Getting Married in Buffalo Jump”. The first one I can’t find a single second of film of, the latter I actually could, if I’d be crazy enough to buy it used for CDN 167,67 !!! (well, I’m not!)

Finally, almost over! Three days left. I can't wait. Then hopefully I'll find time to breathe again. Feels like I haven't been able to do that the last two weeks.

What a nightmare.

Last week’s temperature in my office: 32 C (89.6 F). It was so hot that I at times almost couldn’t breathe lest think clearly enough to do my job really good. The temperature now: 13 C (55.4 F) plus icy winds and I’m freezing. I actually had to get out my winter pyjamas. And starting Monday the temperatures will rise to 32 C again.

On the job front: Week 1 of my colleague’s vacation is over and it was hell. On Friday colleague No. 2 said, he can’t take it any longer, it’s getting too much, which begs the possibility that tomorrow I’ll find myself completely alone in the office, trying to do the work for two other people plus my own.

On the bright side: Yesterday it was raining – a lot. And to commemorate the day I bought a rain poncho and some beautiful wellington boots.

On the diet front: Yes, I can actually live without chocolate or coffee – for now. And I’ll get tested. Perhaps I’m allergic to certain kinds of food.

Last week I had to sit in front of a computer screen way too much. So for now - I don't want to stare at the screen any longer, and I feel kind of reluctant to even switch it on. Things will probably get better when the situation at my office changes again, which will be in about 2 weeks. Until then I'd rather avoid my computer at home whereas in the office I have no choice.

I’ve always been more a RayV person than a RayK person. Not that I didn’t like RayK, it just felt like the Benton-RayV friendship seemed to be so much deeper than the other one. And I’m all about the friendship. I wouldn’t call myself a slash fan. RayV loved Benton deeply – RayK and Benton on the other hand had lots of conflicts.

But reading fanfic there’s no real choice. Most stories are about Benton/RayK. So perhaps that’s what’s shaking things up a bit for me. Some authors manage to give the RayK character a debth, that I didn’t see in the episodes, probably because I was too distracted by Paul’s mere presence, that I didn’t care much for RayK. Now, when I chose a DS episode to watch, it’s usually a RayK episode. Although – it could be that not RayK is the reason, but again Paul Gross.

The Benton Fraser of the first two seasons was often kind of a big joke - with the exceptions of VS and Letting Go, where he suddently (out of the blue!) became a real person, a person with deep emotions, with desires and faults. In one word – human.

When Paul took over things changed a lot. And I believe they changed for the better (again with one exception: Meg Thatcher). Although he isn’t officially credited as the writer of most of the season 3/season 4 episodes, each and every one of them has his 'style' imprinted on them.

Where Paul Haggis’ episodes were often dark and good storytelling, Paul’s were bright and full of emotions. The highly praised 'Gift of the Wheelman' didn’t grab me a bit – 'Hunting Season' did! And you don’t need the outtakes to know, that the cast and crew had a terrific time. The fun they had is oozing right out of the TV screen. You can’t miss it.

So yes, I seem to switch Rays. But I will never switch Bentons. I always preferred Paul Gross’ vision of him and not Paul Haggis’.

It’s 6.35 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I’m awake. I’m awake because I couldn’t sleep anymore, because I’m sooooooo hungry. Also, the chocolate craving is already setting in. I want chocolate!

Got medication from my doctor, which I have to take BEFORE I eat anything. But I can’t swallow that pill. And you’re not allowed to chew it or something. So what to do? Well, I give up for now. There has to be another way, pills I am actually allowed to chew or something else.

I'm so used to the finished one, the one you get in packages full of I don't know what, that when I'm actually cooking potatoes myself and mash them, they're awful. I'm hungry. But how can I eat that? It's again something completely tasteless, and adding salt doesn't help.

I'm already thinking about buying a bamboo rice cooker. But I wonder, how do you exactly clean that? Usually you not only steam rice in that but also vegetables or meat. Do you throw it away after one use and get a new one? That can't be.

you can congratulate me. I’m on the direct way to a gastritis. Not what I expected actually.

So now I have to find out what exactly I can eat, because as of now I’m officially on a diet. Thank God I didn’t already shop for the weekend, or else all my groceries would go right into the garbage bin.

The few things my doctor mentioned, like rice, steamed fish or chicken, ... they’re completely tasteless. Where’s the fun in eating them? And no chocolate - how can anybody live without chocolate? I grew up in a country where the national dish is Wiener Schnitzel. How can I live without something like that?

I try to see this as a good thing. I worry too much. I’m overweight. I don’t eat they way I should, I’m constantly stressed, and I’m obsessive in my hobbies – meaning, when I start something I can’t stop. And I forget to eat, to sleep, to relax, ...

So this is my wakeup call.

I need to change. A LOT.

Which means, no hourlong internet surfing without eating, drinking, moving around a little bit from time to time.

No working and forgetting to eat.

No reading and forgetting to eat.

No watching TV for hours and forgetting ....

The key is balance. I know that. I knew it 20 years ago. It’s just I never managed to do that. But since I want to feel better, I have to learn it.

And I have to learn to relax.

Hi everybody,

in case you wonder, where I’ve been.

Apart from working I’ve buried myself deep inside tons of fanfic. I haven’t been online at all.

When I have health troubles – as is just now the case – I tend to freak (a lot), because I always expect the worst. I’m pessimistic through and through.

And I sit either around staring at the walls or I try to anaesthetise myself with things like fanfic.

But what to do when I’m on my way to or from work?

Nothing managed to keep me occupied this week, no music, no newspaper, nothing. And then, Paul Gross came to the rescue! I found that listening to an hour long interview on my mp3-player again and again and again .... was the only thing that managed to calm me. Today I’ll finally have a doctor’s appointment and until that moment I’ll listen and listen and ... And hopefully after that I’ll feel better and everything’s back to normal.

OK now. That would be the time to go searching for all the bookmarks I lost with yesterday's crash. I've totally lost control of all the pages I used to check daily.

But I'll be good. And I'll disconnect. And I'll switch off my compi in about 5 minutes, because it's past 9 p.m. here, and I don't want to crawl to my office tomorrow on my hands and knees or even break down because of exhaustion. Today was a bad enough day for me. Only 3 hours of sleep do that to you. And it's not healthy to repeat that.

Did I find the culprit? I actally believe I did. The question is, did I manage to solve the problem? Only time will tell.

But it seems the suspect seems to be my internet web-n-walk stick, which would explain why I didn't only blue screen on this computer but also on my netbook, although with different error codes.

So I tried to find updates for that thing, which isn't an easy thing to do. You can call me Sherlock Holmes now! I found the producer of that stick and did an update. I just hope that was enough. Please keep all available fingers crossed for me, that the problem is solved.

The good news: I didn’t find any kind of infection.

The bad news: I still don’t know what’s wrong.

I only know three things:

1. My Firefox browser seemed to reset itself to the installation configurations.

2. Yesterday afternoon I had a one time blue screen when I tried to get online, with a typically cryptic error code (What good are error reports, when nobody can understand, what they’re saying?)

3. Sometimes I can’t get into any internet pages at all, and I’m stuck.

But I’ll live with that for now, because starting next Monday I will work double shifts for about three weeks, and I will neither have the time nor the nerve to set up my whole system new.

As for today – I’m gone! Right now I’m at work. But when I get home I’ll go to bed and try to catch up on all the sleep I didn’t get yesterday.

Thank you so much for trying to help me, akamine_chan.

The problem seems to be my computer!

Some hours ago it started to bluescreen.

Now I’m in the middle of doing backups of all my Paul Gross gooddies. I don’t want to lose them. The trouble is, there isn’t enough space. So I’m blindly deleting everything on my external hard drives that doesn’t have Paul’s name on it.

I need a third external harddrive, preferrably in the terrabyte regions. And I need it fast. – Thank God amazon is open on Sundays.

And now - I go online and my starting page disappeared. All my new links I collected are gone. Everything looks different. There seems to be something seriously wrong!

Seems like I have to build up my whole system completely and right from scratch, which will take hours, no, make that days.

I hope, I'm not infected with something. Neither my firewall (ZoneAlarm) nor my antivirus software (avast) showed any warnings. And usually they scream at once, when something happens. So far I could always rely on those two.

So here's my to-do list for tonight:

1. Shopping for a new external hard drive
2. Do a complete system check
3. And probably cry myself to sleep, because of my frustration

What a happy Sunday evening!

Strange! Spellchecking while writing a post in a friends journal leads to double-entries in said Journal? One, which I can't even delete?

Learn: Spell checking seems to be a No-No in here.

What did I do? I just wanted to post a request on ds_recfinders and found out that I actually have to join, which I did. Then suddently there was a "Step 2" with friending. It seems like you need to accept that too, before you can post something. So I did. And then suddenly there appeared all these messages, which seemed to come from ds_recfinders. Did I do something wrong, or is this normal? The LJ help files aren't really helpful in this regard.

ETA: After logging out and logging in again these entries disappeared. So I'm guessing, everything's fine, and I can finally post my question to ds_recfinders. At least I hope I didn't just link all my stupid ramblings from day one to now to ds_recfinders in return.

No real news for more than a week. So I still haven't even tried to make some sort of comment on one of the many Paul Gross LJ's.

And I'm probably the only one who hasn't got a single comment on his own LJ. Nobody's reading this stuff anyway. Part of the reason may be that I'm very hard to find because of my yet unfinished profile. But it's not important. After so many doubts I find it very enjoyable to write in here.